Crazy is as Crazy Does
So, I went to see my therapist yesterday. Great guy, he was my marriage counselor for the longest time, then became my individual therapist when the ex blew out of my life. I like him (but therapy is really hard if you do not like your therapist, so part of their schtick is "connection") and his batting average is .500 in my book, failed at saving our marriage (although Zeus Triumphant couldn't have saved that worm eaten ship) but very successfully led me through some dark times and some real personal growth in the aftermath.
Since he was the marriage counselor, he knows the ex pretty well, very well as a matter of fact. I went to see him, not because of me or the wife, but because of the ex's recent behavior (The Disneyland Invitation Affair, and other things). It was bugging me, not for me so much, but clearly my daughter's future happiness is very much wrapped up in not having a crazy mother...an eccentric mother is ok, but an unstable one could make her life a living hell for a very, very long time.
Well, diagnosis was disturbing (disclaimer, I cannot be sure, and we are looking at this through filters, so this is only information, not a proven fact):
a. She is still the girl that never grew up, kind of a Pauline Pan, the 14 year old trapped in a middle aged woman's body. Dresses like one, tries to look like one, acts like one.
b. 14 year olds have serious boundary problems, impulsive as hell and do not think things through. So..this is to be expected.
c. And, long term addicts (and abuse survivors) are often emotionally stuck in adolescence. They stay there until they stop using/drinking and start working a program.
d. And addicts and teenagers LOVE DRAMA.
Ok, big DUH moment for me, I know this, have known this for four years. But here is the kicker, she is not improving, staying in this place. Which means:
Either she is using/drinking again.
Or she will do so again in the future.
Very scary. I have no evidence of any use by her at this moment. She has never been drunk or drugged in my presence. Daughter has reported nothing (and I do check, discreetly, but I check). Now, I never could tell about the narcotics, but the drinking I could pick up in a heartbeat. So far, nothing. So I am not sure, but I don't think she is using now.
But she is not growing/progressing past her stuck point. She is staying put right where she was for all these years.
So nothing to do now, but be mindful and watchful. I cannot do anything about this until I have evidence or at least something more definitive. My hope continues that she finds enough stability to be as good a mother as possible for our daughter now and not become an emotional burden later.
As my therapist said, this is what it is...and it isn't going to change anytime soon.
Second topic. A friend of mine in a distant city and in a similar situation to mine of several years ago emailed me this week to tell me he was trying the Latin American/Russian bride thing. Just started to work the websites, wanted my thoughts.
Yikes
I did a bit of research. I can see how it may be tempting for a somewhat lost, somewhat clueless middle aged lonely guy. Pages and pages of foreign women who are:
1. Young
2. Sexy
3. Making statements like "Shy girl, traditional values, looking for good character, age and looks not so important."
I particularly like the very attractive 23 year old that had all those keywords in her blurb, right next to the picture of her topless with her hands over her breasts and her very short shorts unbuttoned and zipped open to reveal the smooth, freshly waxed area right above her "steaming garden of love".
So I headed off to google and found a discussion group for guys trying to find their dream girl in Columbia. Boiled down, it is not a scam per se, but certainly not a panacea of hot, authentic available chicks for the previously enconsed in mom's basement surfing the net set. The posts are rife with warnings, tips on how not to get played, cautions and disaster tales mixed with the hopeful success stories and strategies of finding your true love.
More net surfing and you get the other side of the equasion, the women who are brought over here only to realize that their prince is the Prince of Darkness. Some of these guys are looking abroad for a REASON, and it is not too pretty.
Two anecdotes in particular would have cracked me up if they were not so sad. One was the story of a very over weight 40 something guy who married this petite 20 something from Cali. She slept around on him and dumped him within days after getting her green card. Apparently he is so taken aback he posted the story up (with pictures) on a web site.
The other involves a guy who moved down there to find a new wife. His ex wife dumped him, I suppose for all the usual reasons, but told him that one of the issues was that she was not attracted to him any more, what with his beard, 20 lb paunch and soft build. So he goes to South America to find his love, eschewing the "bitchy American women". While down there, he loses 18 lbs, buffs up and cuts his beard to a goatee.
He had to go to Cali to figure out that women like minimal facial hair and a few muscles?
Look, lets face it. Women are women, men are men. Culture be dammed, 20 year old hot chicks are not in the market for fat old guys (and to them, 40 is OLD) unless they are rich or famous. Even then, they are not into the fat old guy, they are into RICH or FAME and are willing to make a few compromises. These foreign chicks are looking for their fantasy, a rich, hansom American prince. If they get it, great. But I am sure that they will settle for a well off old fat guy..until they get the green card. Who can blame them, really?
Anyone care to predict how this will end?
I think I am going to send all this research to my friend. Hate to burst someone's bubble. My thought, hit the gym, eat salads, Work on yourself, get a lady friend to help you update your wardrobe, shave your head.
Did I say work on yourself? Nothing sexier than a guy who has figured himself out and has grown up, or so I am told.
Will he listen?
Crazy is as Crazy does.
Since he was the marriage counselor, he knows the ex pretty well, very well as a matter of fact. I went to see him, not because of me or the wife, but because of the ex's recent behavior (The Disneyland Invitation Affair, and other things). It was bugging me, not for me so much, but clearly my daughter's future happiness is very much wrapped up in not having a crazy mother...an eccentric mother is ok, but an unstable one could make her life a living hell for a very, very long time.
Well, diagnosis was disturbing (disclaimer, I cannot be sure, and we are looking at this through filters, so this is only information, not a proven fact):
a. She is still the girl that never grew up, kind of a Pauline Pan, the 14 year old trapped in a middle aged woman's body. Dresses like one, tries to look like one, acts like one.
b. 14 year olds have serious boundary problems, impulsive as hell and do not think things through. So..this is to be expected.
c. And, long term addicts (and abuse survivors) are often emotionally stuck in adolescence. They stay there until they stop using/drinking and start working a program.
d. And addicts and teenagers LOVE DRAMA.
Ok, big DUH moment for me, I know this, have known this for four years. But here is the kicker, she is not improving, staying in this place. Which means:
Either she is using/drinking again.
Or she will do so again in the future.
Very scary. I have no evidence of any use by her at this moment. She has never been drunk or drugged in my presence. Daughter has reported nothing (and I do check, discreetly, but I check). Now, I never could tell about the narcotics, but the drinking I could pick up in a heartbeat. So far, nothing. So I am not sure, but I don't think she is using now.
But she is not growing/progressing past her stuck point. She is staying put right where she was for all these years.
So nothing to do now, but be mindful and watchful. I cannot do anything about this until I have evidence or at least something more definitive. My hope continues that she finds enough stability to be as good a mother as possible for our daughter now and not become an emotional burden later.
As my therapist said, this is what it is...and it isn't going to change anytime soon.
Second topic. A friend of mine in a distant city and in a similar situation to mine of several years ago emailed me this week to tell me he was trying the Latin American/Russian bride thing. Just started to work the websites, wanted my thoughts.
Yikes
I did a bit of research. I can see how it may be tempting for a somewhat lost, somewhat clueless middle aged lonely guy. Pages and pages of foreign women who are:
1. Young
2. Sexy
3. Making statements like "Shy girl, traditional values, looking for good character, age and looks not so important."
I particularly like the very attractive 23 year old that had all those keywords in her blurb, right next to the picture of her topless with her hands over her breasts and her very short shorts unbuttoned and zipped open to reveal the smooth, freshly waxed area right above her "steaming garden of love".
So I headed off to google and found a discussion group for guys trying to find their dream girl in Columbia. Boiled down, it is not a scam per se, but certainly not a panacea of hot, authentic available chicks for the previously enconsed in mom's basement surfing the net set. The posts are rife with warnings, tips on how not to get played, cautions and disaster tales mixed with the hopeful success stories and strategies of finding your true love.
More net surfing and you get the other side of the equasion, the women who are brought over here only to realize that their prince is the Prince of Darkness. Some of these guys are looking abroad for a REASON, and it is not too pretty.
Two anecdotes in particular would have cracked me up if they were not so sad. One was the story of a very over weight 40 something guy who married this petite 20 something from Cali. She slept around on him and dumped him within days after getting her green card. Apparently he is so taken aback he posted the story up (with pictures) on a web site.
The other involves a guy who moved down there to find a new wife. His ex wife dumped him, I suppose for all the usual reasons, but told him that one of the issues was that she was not attracted to him any more, what with his beard, 20 lb paunch and soft build. So he goes to South America to find his love, eschewing the "bitchy American women". While down there, he loses 18 lbs, buffs up and cuts his beard to a goatee.
He had to go to Cali to figure out that women like minimal facial hair and a few muscles?
Look, lets face it. Women are women, men are men. Culture be dammed, 20 year old hot chicks are not in the market for fat old guys (and to them, 40 is OLD) unless they are rich or famous. Even then, they are not into the fat old guy, they are into RICH or FAME and are willing to make a few compromises. These foreign chicks are looking for their fantasy, a rich, hansom American prince. If they get it, great. But I am sure that they will settle for a well off old fat guy..until they get the green card. Who can blame them, really?
Anyone care to predict how this will end?
I think I am going to send all this research to my friend. Hate to burst someone's bubble. My thought, hit the gym, eat salads, Work on yourself, get a lady friend to help you update your wardrobe, shave your head.
Did I say work on yourself? Nothing sexier than a guy who has figured himself out and has grown up, or so I am told.
Will he listen?
Crazy is as Crazy does.
posted by Maurice_Basilius at 11:51 AM
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