When You Are Held Up As The Standard For Shmoopie
My blogging friend Clariebell over at http://clairebell.blogspot.com (one of these days I will figure out HTML) has posted my poem from my last post on her site and has asked the world to comment on its Shmoopieness. She has also said some very sweet things about it and me, which is very kind. Her blogmate, Frychk, also had nice things to say. I do not know Frychk well, but Clairbell from her writing comes off as authentic, warm and level headed. Fifteen years ago and single and I could see myself writing her a poem or two. As it is, I enjoy my daily visits to her blog.
For the record, I never even heard the term Shmoopie before this, but I have to say that an objective observer would declare me guilty as charged.
It is strange to think of myself as a romantic. I certainly know how to play the game, roses, candlelight, whatever it takes to get her head swimming and her pants off. Many people in my work life think of me as a hard case, partially because I am intense and can be aggressive, partially because I am loud and in part because I am told can look intimidating, though I really do not see it.
Certainly my children have seen my softer side, I am well loved by a great son and two wonderful daughters. I suppose that Wife brings it out in me, I met her after a lot of personal growth, the kind that opens your heart and warms the soul, giving you space to love completely and fearlessly. I am truly open to her, and she to me, and I believe that with attention and work, it will only get better. Writing that poem was some of the easiest writing I have ever done, because it is all true and from the heart.
I am a lucky guy.
Since we are on Clairbell today, I wanted to comment on another post of her's, where she rants at the married women of the world for not caring for their husbands and leaving her to be hit on by one frustrated married man after another. I think it is the companion to another post where she rants at the Married Guys that consistently hit on her, asking for the love they are not getting and mostly interested in making a score.
The tactics of these guys are familiar. Ask 20 women to join you in an affair, 18 will say no (and some will slap you) 1 will laugh, consider it and then recant.
One will say yes.
For women looking to cheat, I am sure it is much easier.
In either event, there are plenty of people out there damaged enough to walk this road. I was damaged enough to walk this road once, and found someone damaged enough to join me. My ex, who clearly was damaged, found another damaged person to share in her little fun on the side.
Clairbell hit the nail on the head when, in her tirade, pointed out the need to control as a primary source of this kind of shennagians. As I get older and (hopefully) smarter, I am increasingly aware just how much misery is created in this world by our pathetic attempts to create an illusion of control, over people, over places situations and things. Most of the trouble that occurs in a marriage between two people who purportedly love each other is generated by the all too avoidable power struggle between two people trying to control the other and the marital situation. Cliche, yes, but unfortunately, all too true.
Every spiritual path that I know and have tried, at its core, is predicated on seeing life for what it is, ultimately uncontrollable by mortals, a mystery without reason or logic. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, twelve step programs, heck even Jedi theology (which, by the way, is recognized as a religion in the UK) all teach that we are part of the universe, and it does not follow our whims or even our sense of right or wrong.
Jews are prohibited from speaking or knowing the name of God, because to know someone's name in the ancient world gave you power and control over them. By not knowing we acknowlege that we are powerless in the face of the creator, and by extension, powerless in the face of creation.
I could write a book on this and still not say anything original at all, and yet after 30 volumes I would have all of you agreeing and nodding your head, only to go right back to your lives and still attempt to play god, or at least emperor.
My point, you say?
Simply this: If you want a happy marriage, then both of you need to remember
1. You can be right, or you can be in relationship.
2. Let go and trust your feelings
3. Speak your truth, and insist that truth is spoken to you.
4. Do not have control over anything but your self and your own reactions, and that comes only with consistent effort.
5. Deception, anger, fear, only lead to more suffering.
Soap box done.
For the record, I never even heard the term Shmoopie before this, but I have to say that an objective observer would declare me guilty as charged.
It is strange to think of myself as a romantic. I certainly know how to play the game, roses, candlelight, whatever it takes to get her head swimming and her pants off. Many people in my work life think of me as a hard case, partially because I am intense and can be aggressive, partially because I am loud and in part because I am told can look intimidating, though I really do not see it.
Certainly my children have seen my softer side, I am well loved by a great son and two wonderful daughters. I suppose that Wife brings it out in me, I met her after a lot of personal growth, the kind that opens your heart and warms the soul, giving you space to love completely and fearlessly. I am truly open to her, and she to me, and I believe that with attention and work, it will only get better. Writing that poem was some of the easiest writing I have ever done, because it is all true and from the heart.
I am a lucky guy.
Since we are on Clairbell today, I wanted to comment on another post of her's, where she rants at the married women of the world for not caring for their husbands and leaving her to be hit on by one frustrated married man after another. I think it is the companion to another post where she rants at the Married Guys that consistently hit on her, asking for the love they are not getting and mostly interested in making a score.
The tactics of these guys are familiar. Ask 20 women to join you in an affair, 18 will say no (and some will slap you) 1 will laugh, consider it and then recant.
One will say yes.
For women looking to cheat, I am sure it is much easier.
In either event, there are plenty of people out there damaged enough to walk this road. I was damaged enough to walk this road once, and found someone damaged enough to join me. My ex, who clearly was damaged, found another damaged person to share in her little fun on the side.
Clairbell hit the nail on the head when, in her tirade, pointed out the need to control as a primary source of this kind of shennagians. As I get older and (hopefully) smarter, I am increasingly aware just how much misery is created in this world by our pathetic attempts to create an illusion of control, over people, over places situations and things. Most of the trouble that occurs in a marriage between two people who purportedly love each other is generated by the all too avoidable power struggle between two people trying to control the other and the marital situation. Cliche, yes, but unfortunately, all too true.
Every spiritual path that I know and have tried, at its core, is predicated on seeing life for what it is, ultimately uncontrollable by mortals, a mystery without reason or logic. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, twelve step programs, heck even Jedi theology (which, by the way, is recognized as a religion in the UK) all teach that we are part of the universe, and it does not follow our whims or even our sense of right or wrong.
Jews are prohibited from speaking or knowing the name of God, because to know someone's name in the ancient world gave you power and control over them. By not knowing we acknowlege that we are powerless in the face of the creator, and by extension, powerless in the face of creation.
I could write a book on this and still not say anything original at all, and yet after 30 volumes I would have all of you agreeing and nodding your head, only to go right back to your lives and still attempt to play god, or at least emperor.
My point, you say?
Simply this: If you want a happy marriage, then both of you need to remember
1. You can be right, or you can be in relationship.
2. Let go and trust your feelings
3. Speak your truth, and insist that truth is spoken to you.
4. Do not have control over anything but your self and your own reactions, and that comes only with consistent effort.
5. Deception, anger, fear, only lead to more suffering.
Soap box done.
posted by Maurice_Basilius at 6:08 PM
2 Comments:
You're right. Any sort of human interaction is complicated. It's like a sword dance.
Nothin' but love for ya, babe.
M,
"Clairebell" otherwise your lovely linking will go to waste. And thank you for the plug. I can help you with the HTML if you like.
I will admit that my views are a little too black and white, and sometimes idealistic. I like to think that humans for the most part can behave like humans.
I have been told, however, that even that might be expecting too much. And that is depressing.
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