Unfinished Business
Late night in the Data Center, geeking out, finishing up a couple of critical evolutions in advance of the end of the year. Thanksgiving was great, family is well. Wife and I are happy as clams working diligently on family 1 (her) 3 (me). That project requires that I go for a semen test this Friday, where after three days of abstinence I get to jerk off into a sample cup. Bit undignified that, but we do what we do.
My ex continues on her path to be my new best friend. We chat every week, share coffee at either her place or mine. I get calls and emails on everything from gossip about her siblings and their dramas to recommendations for shows to see in the city. Her boyfriend hung out one morning over thanksgiving at my place, chatting with my kids, wife and mother in law.
Just all too fucking cozy.
When you are young, breakups are usually torrid affairs, with lots of drama and damage. The dumper, convinced of his or her righteous cause, and desperate to avoid any legitimate feeling of guilt, summarily jettisons the dumpee and heads off at warp speed into the sunset, leaving said dumpee with a nice bag of shit to try and process over the next couple of years as a going away present. Normally after some time has passed, the dumper realizes that he too has a nice bag of shit to process, and of course by now the dumpee has moved on.
Each is left to clean up the merde pile on their own, and this leads to what we call Baggage.
Which leaves us with:
Unfinished business.
We all have it, pieces of broken relationships that hang like girders off a wrecked tower. Over time we process and think and cognate, in therapy or out, trying to cyst over the wound. It gets tolerable, maybe even better.
But it remains, still there, ghosts that haunt our lives an inhabit our dreams. Funny, most mythologies think of ghosts as spirits that linger here on earth because they have unfinished business, and are doomed to wander till it is done.
Only once in my life was I partnered with someone where we both had the maturity and commitment to take the time to finish things up. We stayed connected until it was all done and we were complete. We are friends today, and it was the greatest of gifts.
The ex and I have unfinished business. As a point in fact, the ex has unfinished business with me, with my daughters and most of all with my son. I have unfinished business with her. Our breakup was abrupt, massively disruptive for everyone and very much out of left field, mostly it was done impulsively and selfishly, with few explanations and a lot of pain all around. For a long time we were distant.
But we have my youngest, and for her sake we need to be civil. But more so, my ex needs for everything to be ok, and she is desperate to get back the relationship she had with my older kids.
So we have evolved to this state where we are friendly and communicate, lots of interaction and discussion. But there is a gorilla in the room, and he is getting more obvious every day, at least to me. My ex desperately wants everything to be ok, but it is built on a fiction. My youngest is angry at her mother for disrupting her life, and she talks to everyone about it but her mother. My older kids are furious with her for the same reasons, and they also feel abandoned by her.
My own feelings are so complex that it is almost impossible to tease them out. A combination of fury and anger and disgust mixed with raw lust and love and complete confusion. One thing is clear, they are nowhere near resolved.
I think that the same holds true for her. She is not very self aware, but I continue to see evidence that she too has trouble sorting it all out. It expresses itself in strange ways at very odd times...Repressed psychic content that she tried to sink deep but keeps bubbling to the surface.
I have written on this before, the reality of our unfinished business and the forced fakery of our relationship, such as it is. I though it would just die off, but that was foolish thinking.
More later.
My ex continues on her path to be my new best friend. We chat every week, share coffee at either her place or mine. I get calls and emails on everything from gossip about her siblings and their dramas to recommendations for shows to see in the city. Her boyfriend hung out one morning over thanksgiving at my place, chatting with my kids, wife and mother in law.
Just all too fucking cozy.
When you are young, breakups are usually torrid affairs, with lots of drama and damage. The dumper, convinced of his or her righteous cause, and desperate to avoid any legitimate feeling of guilt, summarily jettisons the dumpee and heads off at warp speed into the sunset, leaving said dumpee with a nice bag of shit to try and process over the next couple of years as a going away present. Normally after some time has passed, the dumper realizes that he too has a nice bag of shit to process, and of course by now the dumpee has moved on.
Each is left to clean up the merde pile on their own, and this leads to what we call Baggage.
Which leaves us with:
Unfinished business.
We all have it, pieces of broken relationships that hang like girders off a wrecked tower. Over time we process and think and cognate, in therapy or out, trying to cyst over the wound. It gets tolerable, maybe even better.
But it remains, still there, ghosts that haunt our lives an inhabit our dreams. Funny, most mythologies think of ghosts as spirits that linger here on earth because they have unfinished business, and are doomed to wander till it is done.
Only once in my life was I partnered with someone where we both had the maturity and commitment to take the time to finish things up. We stayed connected until it was all done and we were complete. We are friends today, and it was the greatest of gifts.
The ex and I have unfinished business. As a point in fact, the ex has unfinished business with me, with my daughters and most of all with my son. I have unfinished business with her. Our breakup was abrupt, massively disruptive for everyone and very much out of left field, mostly it was done impulsively and selfishly, with few explanations and a lot of pain all around. For a long time we were distant.
But we have my youngest, and for her sake we need to be civil. But more so, my ex needs for everything to be ok, and she is desperate to get back the relationship she had with my older kids.
So we have evolved to this state where we are friendly and communicate, lots of interaction and discussion. But there is a gorilla in the room, and he is getting more obvious every day, at least to me. My ex desperately wants everything to be ok, but it is built on a fiction. My youngest is angry at her mother for disrupting her life, and she talks to everyone about it but her mother. My older kids are furious with her for the same reasons, and they also feel abandoned by her.
My own feelings are so complex that it is almost impossible to tease them out. A combination of fury and anger and disgust mixed with raw lust and love and complete confusion. One thing is clear, they are nowhere near resolved.
I think that the same holds true for her. She is not very self aware, but I continue to see evidence that she too has trouble sorting it all out. It expresses itself in strange ways at very odd times...Repressed psychic content that she tried to sink deep but keeps bubbling to the surface.
I have written on this before, the reality of our unfinished business and the forced fakery of our relationship, such as it is. I though it would just die off, but that was foolish thinking.
More later.
posted by Maurice_Basilius at 2:27 AM
1 Comments:
I can identify with your youngest.
The only difference being I won't and CAN'T talk about it with my mom because she wants things to be like they were (will NEVER happen).
(edited rant, this is not my blog :)
It sucks. But for anything else to advance they need to grow the hell up. I hate being the adult in our relationship. But you sound like you know what is going on.
Happy Holidays!
Post a Comment
<< Home