My Big Fat Greek Honeymoon, and Sharp Things

Here is the next addition to the collection, a personal recomendation from my friendly Shanghi dealer. I will fill you in when it gets here.

Off to Greece Tuesday Morning for Honeymoon 2005. Crete, Santorini and Naxos. It shoul be a blast. I will report when I get back. For the next couple of weeks, you all take care.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

So, I went to see my therapist yesterday. Great guy, he was my marriage counselor for the longest time, then became my individual therapist when the ex blew out of my life. I like him (but therapy is really hard if you do not like your therapist, so part of their schtick is "connection") and his batting average is .500 in my book, failed at saving our marriage (although Zeus Triumphant couldn't have saved that worm eaten ship) but very successfully led me through some dark times and some real personal growth in the aftermath.

Since he was the marriage counselor, he knows the ex pretty well, very well as a matter of fact. I went to see him, not because of me or the wife, but because of the ex's recent behavior (The Disneyland Invitation Affair, and other things). It was bugging me, not for me so much, but clearly my daughter's future happiness is very much wrapped up in not having a crazy mother...an eccentric mother is ok, but an unstable one could make her life a living hell for a very, very long time.

Well, diagnosis was disturbing (disclaimer, I cannot be sure, and we are looking at this through filters, so this is only information, not a proven fact):

a. She is still the girl that never grew up, kind of a Pauline Pan, the 14 year old trapped in a middle aged woman's body. Dresses like one, tries to look like one, acts like one.

b. 14 year olds have serious boundary problems, impulsive as hell and do not think things through. So..this is to be expected.

c. And, long term addicts (and abuse survivors) are often emotionally stuck in adolescence. They stay there until they stop using/drinking and start working a program.

d. And addicts and teenagers LOVE DRAMA.

Ok, big DUH moment for me, I know this, have known this for four years. But here is the kicker, she is not improving, staying in this place. Which means:

Either she is using/drinking again.
Or she will do so again in the future.

Very scary. I have no evidence of any use by her at this moment. She has never been drunk or drugged in my presence. Daughter has reported nothing (and I do check, discreetly, but I check). Now, I never could tell about the narcotics, but the drinking I could pick up in a heartbeat. So far, nothing. So I am not sure, but I don't think she is using now.

But she is not growing/progressing past her stuck point. She is staying put right where she was for all these years.

So nothing to do now, but be mindful and watchful. I cannot do anything about this until I have evidence or at least something more definitive. My hope continues that she finds enough stability to be as good a mother as possible for our daughter now and not become an emotional burden later.

As my therapist said, this is what it is...and it isn't going to change anytime soon.

Second topic. A friend of mine in a distant city and in a similar situation to mine of several years ago emailed me this week to tell me he was trying the Latin American/Russian bride thing. Just started to work the websites, wanted my thoughts.

Yikes

I did a bit of research. I can see how it may be tempting for a somewhat lost, somewhat clueless middle aged lonely guy. Pages and pages of foreign women who are:

1. Young
2. Sexy
3. Making statements like "Shy girl, traditional values, looking for good character, age and looks not so important."

I particularly like the very attractive 23 year old that had all those keywords in her blurb, right next to the picture of her topless with her hands over her breasts and her very short shorts unbuttoned and zipped open to reveal the smooth, freshly waxed area right above her "steaming garden of love".

So I headed off to google and found a discussion group for guys trying to find their dream girl in Columbia. Boiled down, it is not a scam per se, but certainly not a panacea of hot, authentic available chicks for the previously enconsed in mom's basement surfing the net set. The posts are rife with warnings, tips on how not to get played, cautions and disaster tales mixed with the hopeful success stories and strategies of finding your true love.

More net surfing and you get the other side of the equasion, the women who are brought over here only to realize that their prince is the Prince of Darkness. Some of these guys are looking abroad for a REASON, and it is not too pretty.

Two anecdotes in particular would have cracked me up if they were not so sad. One was the story of a very over weight 40 something guy who married this petite 20 something from Cali. She slept around on him and dumped him within days after getting her green card. Apparently he is so taken aback he posted the story up (with pictures) on a web site.

The other involves a guy who moved down there to find a new wife. His ex wife dumped him, I suppose for all the usual reasons, but told him that one of the issues was that she was not attracted to him any more, what with his beard, 20 lb paunch and soft build. So he goes to South America to find his love, eschewing the "bitchy American women". While down there, he loses 18 lbs, buffs up and cuts his beard to a goatee.

He had to go to Cali to figure out that women like minimal facial hair and a few muscles?

Look, lets face it. Women are women, men are men. Culture be dammed, 20 year old hot chicks are not in the market for fat old guys (and to them, 40 is OLD) unless they are rich or famous. Even then, they are not into the fat old guy, they are into RICH or FAME and are willing to make a few compromises. These foreign chicks are looking for their fantasy, a rich, hansom American prince. If they get it, great. But I am sure that they will settle for a well off old fat guy..until they get the green card. Who can blame them, really?

Anyone care to predict how this will end?

I think I am going to send all this research to my friend. Hate to burst someone's bubble. My thought, hit the gym, eat salads, Work on yourself, get a lady friend to help you update your wardrobe, shave your head.

Did I say work on yourself? Nothing sexier than a guy who has figured himself out and has grown up, or so I am told.

Will he listen?

Crazy is as Crazy does.

Been Busy..And a Call Girl Retrospective

Yes, very busy. Greece trip is planned. Lots of kid activity, none I will relate here, but have been busy with them. Mostly we have been busy having summer fun. With all that and work, not much time to write in a blog. The other problem is, not much to write about. Drama makes great writing and lousy living, and once I read that the "definition of an adventure is someone else having a tough time".

Ok, so as not to bore my reading public, another retrospective. As you remember, a month ago I wrote some of my observations on online dating. Much of my blog has been a retrospective on marriage, divorce and remarriage.

So today, lets round it out and talk a bit about...

Dating for dollars.

Call Girls. ('cause you can call them up?) Escorts (when I think of escorts, I think of destroyers) Hookers. (named for Hooker, the Union Civil War General that was the only one stupid enough and indecisive enough to lose Chancelorsville. What is strange is that Hooker really was not stupid, rebuilt the Army of the Potomac after Fredericksburg and brilliantly stole a march on Lee, placing his vastly larger army on Lee's flank before Lee even knew that it had left his front. But that is another story for another time.)

After the ex dumped me and before I found the wife, I had a couple of years in the wilderness. I did a lot of dating, but that did not always translate to getting lucky. That, and I was way beyond lurking in bars shooting off sorry pickup lines, followed up by cheesy lies, and even cheesier lies the next morning. So what is a horny middle aged guy that is tired of his hand but not willing or able to manage the relationship side of that equasion to do?

Pick up the phone.

Well, that and also there was the element of "why the fuck not?" Really, I was single again, free and an adult. Maybe it was time to give this a whirl too.

Now I am not an expert at this, but these days you do not have to be. Go to Craigslist or any of a number of web sites and you can find what you want. The better ones have pictures, stats, rating and reviews. In an hour you can do plenty of research and practically guarantee the experience of choice, with very little risk of problems. You do need to play safe, but most of the girls do as well, so in reality your health risks are probably about the same as if you cruised the bars and did drunk one night stands with fellow "civilians."

Disclaimer, I stuck to higher priced "escorts". No streetwalkers or the like.

So I partook a couple of times. I won't bore you with the details, your imagination will do just fine.

What did I learn?

For the cost of a couple of normal dates you can have an hour of amazing sex with just about any kind of woman you can imagine. You can pretty much get whatever you want on the menu, within reason. You can get it served with a smile and with pretty convincing gusto. Of course, experiences vary, one gal was friendly but a bit rushed, while another completely blew my socks off. The rest were in between.

The girls are pretty normal. This is not the last refuge of a drug addicted crack whore welfare mom, no matter what the minions of the moral mouthpieces would have you believe. Some have issues, some just like sex and customer service and the money is really, really good. If you treat them like people and are pleasant and clean they will do their best to make you happy. There are some jerks, and be advised to avoid girls that have pimps (that IS a bad scene).

It is a fantasy. You will have fun, you will have the illusion of connection. There may even be a connection of sorts, but it is the same kind of connection that you get with a good hairdresser or real estate agent. In business, things work better if people like each other and connect and are pleasant, and this business more so. But in the end, that is all it is. I never forgot that, but sometimes men do, and that is an expensive mistake.

The girls have preferences. One in particular I remember was clearly in a rush. She was fine providing service, but I was not her preference. A couple of them clearly liked me as a potential return client, I was attractive enough to be enjoyable and mature enough to be respectful and safe. In fact, it seems that the girls actually prefer older guys, all things considered, for clients. They may not be as physically attractive as a younger guy, but middle aged men are lower risk and more dependable, two very important characteristics of a successful client base.

The danger, the newness make it exciting. I mean, no one was really "dangerous", but it was a tense enough situation to give you that adrenaline hit. Even though you know the outcome somewhat, if she is good it will feel like the rush of a really good one night stand. Just as importantly, however, when done, there are no messy entanglement or awkward moments.

In the end of course, it reminded me of video games, intense, fun, distracting, but not all that real. Call it a phase (and yes, Virginia, I quietly got myself tested, just in case, before I started sleeping with wife. All clear.).

My verdict, a useful service. Should be legalized and regulated, code of ethics established, tax proceeds should go to the schools.

Bad Things and Weird Things Come in Waves

First, I cannot drone on about anything until I weigh in on the tradegy that is New Orleans. My words are not necessary to describe the horror and pathos. I only urge any and all readers to find the relief charity of your choice and donate. These people need what ever help we can give.

I would also point out that, as Molly Ivans said in her column, there are consequences to the actions that our political leaders take. The Bush administration's decision to undertake a misguided and ill informed adventure in Iraq has had no end of negative consequences, and has done little to truly advance the cause of freedom or human happiness. In Iraq, it has created chaos, a quagmire and a strategic disaster of incalcuable proportions. It has fanned the flames of international terrorism. Combine that with a rabid and fiscially irresponsible program of tax cuts and benefits for the wealthy and we have exactly what you would expect, rising poverty,greater international insecurity, more people uninsured for health issue, and a crumbling infrastructure that left 500,000 people and one of America's great cities to the mercy of a forseeable natural disaster.

We are saddled with the incompetent, performing the inexcusable, in a manner inept, that seems to only serve the very wealthy, at the expense of the poor, and at the expense of our honor as a nation and a people.

They must go.


On the home front, the ex just invited me to accompany her and my daughter on a vacation. Just the three of us.

Another "huh?" moment.

Four years ago, when my ex left me, she was in a huge hurry. Made the decision while in rehab, never moved back in, filed for divorce the very week she left. She had met a guy in rehab, part I am sure of the driving force, but clearly she was in a take no prisoners mode on her way out the door.

She smashed our life, our family and my heart, like a hurricane coming thru the town. I begged, I pleaded.

I was told she wanted nothing to do with me.

Four years later. I am remarried, she has a boyfriend. We are civil, even friendly around my daughter. We try to be helpfull, she is taking my dog while I am on honeymoon, we both work hard to honor each other's requests.

That makes sense to me. We bury our issues and focus on our daughter and get on with life.

Its just that she keeps pressing these boundries, and for the life of me I cannot figure out exactly why. I know that part of it comes from a desire to give my daughter the best, and maybe an idea that she would love a vacation with mommy and daddy. Part I know comes from a place of guilt.

But it does not all add up. She wants something. I can feel it, not just in this one thing, but in a lot of other strange stuff that creeps into our interaction. I feel some attempt at connection, some other thing boilig around under the surface of her subconcious.

I have come to terms with what happend, and have moved on, found love and a new life. I am happy. But I am still very aware of the fact that this other woman was my wife, we shared life and bed for a decade. There are cords in my heart that still can bind, my feelings are still complicated and as such my actions with her require the most rigiorous self-examination. I am very carefull and very aware.

I would never, never put my wife thru that, me off with the ex and the kids and her at home. Never. Even in the best of situations it would be cruel and inconsiderate.

But I would never put myself in that situation, either. The two of us, on vacation, with daughter, in close proximity? Feelings are bound to get confused and conflated, with predictable (or dramatically unpredictable) results. At best it would be a series of awkward moments, likely to open old wounds. At worst it would result in actions that would even more confuse, leading to more drama and tradegy.

But in that, I am pretty sure that my ex is not malicious, or plotting or devious, at least not on a thinking level.

I will write more on this later. It needs examination.