Need to Vent

I keep thinking I will have time to write, fun things about sex, nutty things about my day, thoughtfull things about the course of empires. Naturally, life has a way of getting busy. For example, here was yesterday:

6:00 am wake up, make coffee
6:30 to 8:30 Tai Jian practice ( that is chinese straight sword for the civilians, though I mix up Dadao (two handed, big ass broadsword) work into it)
8:30 to 9:30 Morning emails, morning status call with my ops center, intermixed with "21 days to Java" and "21 days to C++"
9:30 to 10:15 Shower, head to work ( get large coffee on the way, now up to four cups)
10:15 till 6:00 normal work day
6:00 leave work to meet fiance at gym
6:30 till 8:00 Lift, work out
8:00 to 9:00 make and eat dinner with fiance
9:00 till 10:30 pm Staff meeting and final conference call with India. Struggle with Java
10:30 to 11:00 finish Saullist "The Jurgenthine War and Catiline Conspiracy"
11:00 PM to bed with Fiance for an hour of talking, relating, fumblididdles.

That is pretty typical. As you can see, not a lot of time for BLOG. Today is pretty much the same, except add dance lessons and a release at 1:00 am. Tomorrow is more of the same and fencing at 8:00PM.

I pack a lot into a day. Always have.

But today, I come here once again for the group thearpy sesson.

Interfacing with the ex, always a lot of fun.

I suppose that the bottom line issue here is that I really do not like the woman very much AND I am connected to her through my daughter AND I still have a lot of residual personal connections, like astral bonds that flicker between us. On the one hand she is a chaotic, difficult, selfish piece of work that whirls like a drunken tornado, carelessly damaging whatever comes into her path. Not malicious, just immature and petulant, a 13 year old adolecent in a 47 year old body. She creates, no, craves instability, swinging from overly mushy pronouncements and demonstrations of love to fits of loud annoyance at the people in her household, to tear filled bouts of guild and self blame.

From another angle, she is the mother of my younger daughter, a girl that she clearly loves and clings to as perhaps the only legimitely good thing she has ever created and not destroyed. She is clearly doing the best she possibly can, and clearly has the girl's best interests at heart, no mattter how imperfect she is in execution.

And of course, finally, this is the woman I shared a bed with for over ten years. Being next to her is to live in the tension point between kissing and killing, desire and disgust. All of that is happening on the subconcious level... for me it is a viceral high frequency osciliation between wanting to pull her pants down and fuck her right there and now and wanting to break her in two with my bare hands. Neither will happen, and none of this is happening at the thinking level. But it is there.

It makes for a horribly conflated set of emotions every time we interact, and an interaction level that is way higher than I would ever want. Unfortunately, both of these things seem to suit her just fine, she likes having the comm line in the "always open" mode, and conflated mushy relations seem to fit perfectly into the chaos and drama that forms her life.

Nothing in life is totaly clean, we all have relationships that do not fit into clean models and that press buttons better left un-pressed. Case in point, the fiance has a friend, very cute redhead. We hang out with her occasionally. The city crowd has this hug and kiss on the cheeks thing going, while red likes to hug and give me a kiss on the lips when we meet. She also gushes a bit about how great I am...and I think she is neat. Clearly there is some "crush" stuff going on there, and just as clearly it will never be acted on.

But it is there, and we have to deal with it.

But there is a reason we get distance from ex's, and I am not getting enough distance, and given that we have a daughter, it is pretty clear I won't.