Rant Review
AJ, I promised you a Saga of the Sea, and I have a pretty good one in the works, a CLASSIC example of the officer corps at its finest, (tongue buried in cheek till it hurts) that is both amusing and without a sad ending. I will get it published.
However, my rant of two days ago, the one titled Rain King, created a bit of controversy and a few well placed questions.
For example, Kayten for a moment thought I was targeting her..which I was not, but I can see how she felt that way. Then she pointed out a very good thought, was it a call "...to live large or embrace mediocracy", then went on to integrate my post with the experiences of a reader and her internet friend, pilot. Theresa asked the very pointed and excellent questions, "..Now what?"
I am going to have to start reading Theresa more.
Both have challenged me, directly and indirectly, to come out of vent mode and explain, and have done it in a thoughtful way that requires a thoughtful answer, and further clarification.
I was a mess for many years. Not a bad guy at all really, most meeting me would say that I was smart, ambitious, good hearted, educated, responsible and respected. Women found me attractive, employers found me desirable and my kids thought I was a great dad.
Much of that was true, and I was still a mess. How best to describe it? Forgive the cliche, but I spent my entire life running from the voices, the committee in my head that told me I was really a loser and a phony and a fraud. It is the kind of gift that only an alcoholic father and a fiercely co-dependent mother can give. My exes were messes too, the last one still is, my first has turned to evangelical religion, which in my experience is a very effective cure for some (though it has a host of other issues.)
So let me state here and now, most of the stuff I was ranting about you can find in the pages of my unwritten autobiography. It is partly why I am normally very tolerant of others and their decisions..part spiritual belief that it is not my job to manage or judge others, part temperament, part the clear memory of my own sins and failings.
The end game of a life of running and ten years in a marriage with a crazy alcoholic/addict/perfectionist/screwup was a complete emotional, physical and spiritual collapse. That guy died in December of 2001 as surely as if someone had, how did Umma Thurman say it? Popped a cap in his head. At one point, I wished some one would have.
One good thing about that kind of death though, if you make it back, you lose your fears. What is left to fear? In my mind the worst that could happen, has happened. Now there are worse things, for sure. But for me, I am like those people who die and come back, having seen the other side...it is hard to explain, but there is nothing left to run from, it happened.
I wandered, figuratively, for years after, slowly healing and rebuilding, becoming myself. One person along the way I have only written about tangentially, but she deserves a better treatment. A. is a friend, a lover, a teacher..she is a Reverend of the church and a recovering addict that struggles with a host of psychological and physiological issues. Her bravery and dedication to the truth, given her own challenges is extraordinary. She helped me to see the importance of living openly, generously, honestly, to know my own truth and to follow it. She reminded me of the importance of taking stands, of the power of honorable living. The critical importance of living with intention.
I feel sometimes like the guy who sits on the hilltop while everyone is wandering below in a valley of fog. Does that make me better? No, any grace I have is a hard won gift that only lasts for this day, and will quickly dissolve if I ever step off that razor's edge.
So my rant. I don't care if people choose the life dramatic or pedantic, but I want them to choose, and choose from a place of integrity and compassion. I want people to stop lying and hurting simply to get what they want dishonestly. Example, there is nothing wrong with going to your spouse and saying "I need to leave you, I know that I have other needs and you cannot or will not meet them and I choose another life. Let us find a way to end this as best as we can."
I have no time for "you fuck me so good honey, you know my wife never gives me what I want the way you do. She doesn't understand me." That is just an addict getting his fix. Dress it up anyway you want, a turd by any other name stinks just as badly.
I do not understand wives who put their husbands on the "once a month" program, an action both selfish and cruel and conveniently clueless. It is childish and cowardly behavior, a mockery of the simple vow "to have and to hold.."
Why get married if all you can do is lie and torture? Who told you you could avoid responsibility for your spouse?
There was a comment by one reader in another blog that I loved.. as a result of reading that other post he went home and told his wife that he needed their sex life to change or he would have to make changes. It sounds like he did it right, his report is that they are both now working on their emotional and physical issues. I am proud of those two.
I have lost all patience for people who believe that the world was created for them, and feel empowered to treat others as rudely and as callously as they so deem. It is both a measure of their own sickness as well as a source of unnecessary pain for the people around them. They are wounded children to be sure, but children masquerading as adults. Children can be vicious, and are mostly unconscious, it is why we place restrictions on them and require supervision.
I know the source, I was wounded, you all are wounded. It wasn't your/ their fault.
You are not responsible for the trauma that your parents and others inflicted on you in your past.
But you are responsible to yourself and to the people in your life, to find healing and health. You are responsible for trying your best to become an adult.
That is the rant in a nutshell. I do not care how you came to where you are in life, and I do not judge your choices or circumstance. But I expect you to take charge of your own healing, and for your own sake and the sake of all of those in your own life...
To heal
As much as you humanly can.
I expect you to try to live your own truth, and to cut others the slack you expect them to cut you, to try to live as much as you can to the golden rule.
I expect you, when given the choice of bravery or cowardice, to choose bravery.
You get the picture.
However, my rant of two days ago, the one titled Rain King, created a bit of controversy and a few well placed questions.
For example, Kayten for a moment thought I was targeting her..which I was not, but I can see how she felt that way. Then she pointed out a very good thought, was it a call "...to live large or embrace mediocracy", then went on to integrate my post with the experiences of a reader and her internet friend, pilot. Theresa asked the very pointed and excellent questions, "..Now what?"
I am going to have to start reading Theresa more.
Both have challenged me, directly and indirectly, to come out of vent mode and explain, and have done it in a thoughtful way that requires a thoughtful answer, and further clarification.
I was a mess for many years. Not a bad guy at all really, most meeting me would say that I was smart, ambitious, good hearted, educated, responsible and respected. Women found me attractive, employers found me desirable and my kids thought I was a great dad.
Much of that was true, and I was still a mess. How best to describe it? Forgive the cliche, but I spent my entire life running from the voices, the committee in my head that told me I was really a loser and a phony and a fraud. It is the kind of gift that only an alcoholic father and a fiercely co-dependent mother can give. My exes were messes too, the last one still is, my first has turned to evangelical religion, which in my experience is a very effective cure for some (though it has a host of other issues.)
So let me state here and now, most of the stuff I was ranting about you can find in the pages of my unwritten autobiography. It is partly why I am normally very tolerant of others and their decisions..part spiritual belief that it is not my job to manage or judge others, part temperament, part the clear memory of my own sins and failings.
The end game of a life of running and ten years in a marriage with a crazy alcoholic/addict/perfectionist/screwup was a complete emotional, physical and spiritual collapse. That guy died in December of 2001 as surely as if someone had, how did Umma Thurman say it? Popped a cap in his head. At one point, I wished some one would have.
One good thing about that kind of death though, if you make it back, you lose your fears. What is left to fear? In my mind the worst that could happen, has happened. Now there are worse things, for sure. But for me, I am like those people who die and come back, having seen the other side...it is hard to explain, but there is nothing left to run from, it happened.
I wandered, figuratively, for years after, slowly healing and rebuilding, becoming myself. One person along the way I have only written about tangentially, but she deserves a better treatment. A. is a friend, a lover, a teacher..she is a Reverend of the church and a recovering addict that struggles with a host of psychological and physiological issues. Her bravery and dedication to the truth, given her own challenges is extraordinary. She helped me to see the importance of living openly, generously, honestly, to know my own truth and to follow it. She reminded me of the importance of taking stands, of the power of honorable living. The critical importance of living with intention.
I feel sometimes like the guy who sits on the hilltop while everyone is wandering below in a valley of fog. Does that make me better? No, any grace I have is a hard won gift that only lasts for this day, and will quickly dissolve if I ever step off that razor's edge.
So my rant. I don't care if people choose the life dramatic or pedantic, but I want them to choose, and choose from a place of integrity and compassion. I want people to stop lying and hurting simply to get what they want dishonestly. Example, there is nothing wrong with going to your spouse and saying "I need to leave you, I know that I have other needs and you cannot or will not meet them and I choose another life. Let us find a way to end this as best as we can."
I have no time for "you fuck me so good honey, you know my wife never gives me what I want the way you do. She doesn't understand me." That is just an addict getting his fix. Dress it up anyway you want, a turd by any other name stinks just as badly.
I do not understand wives who put their husbands on the "once a month" program, an action both selfish and cruel and conveniently clueless. It is childish and cowardly behavior, a mockery of the simple vow "to have and to hold.."
Why get married if all you can do is lie and torture? Who told you you could avoid responsibility for your spouse?
There was a comment by one reader in another blog that I loved.. as a result of reading that other post he went home and told his wife that he needed their sex life to change or he would have to make changes. It sounds like he did it right, his report is that they are both now working on their emotional and physical issues. I am proud of those two.
I have lost all patience for people who believe that the world was created for them, and feel empowered to treat others as rudely and as callously as they so deem. It is both a measure of their own sickness as well as a source of unnecessary pain for the people around them. They are wounded children to be sure, but children masquerading as adults. Children can be vicious, and are mostly unconscious, it is why we place restrictions on them and require supervision.
I know the source, I was wounded, you all are wounded. It wasn't your/ their fault.
You are not responsible for the trauma that your parents and others inflicted on you in your past.
But you are responsible to yourself and to the people in your life, to find healing and health. You are responsible for trying your best to become an adult.
That is the rant in a nutshell. I do not care how you came to where you are in life, and I do not judge your choices or circumstance. But I expect you to take charge of your own healing, and for your own sake and the sake of all of those in your own life...
To heal
As much as you humanly can.
I expect you to try to live your own truth, and to cut others the slack you expect them to cut you, to try to live as much as you can to the golden rule.
I expect you, when given the choice of bravery or cowardice, to choose bravery.
You get the picture.
posted by Maurice_Basilius at 6:15 AM
2 Comments:
Thank you for clarifying, Maurice.
You make all the angst and self-doubt worth it. Justification is the easy path and requires no deep soul searching. If you do the deep soul searching, you have to be prepared to find demons who want to fight and may possibly kill you. It requires immense strength, to be what feels this weak. I didn't feel this weak before I took this path.
I will email your rant review to pilot. Maybe it will help him come to some decisions he feels are most prevalent in his heart.
First, I couldn't agree with you more. As adults we are responsible for ourselves. This includes everything we say, do, or fail to say and do. If we are so self-absorbed that we can't see how our behavior impacts others, there is a really big problem.
I sometimes struggle to care enough about myself to do what is necessary to deal with my chronic mental health problems (and the "caring enough" is a symptom of those problems), but I am motivated to do what I need to do because there are people in my life who are effected by me and my illness. It's MY JOB to take care of me, not their job.
Blame and shame are toxic. They allow people to avoid taking responsibility for themselves. In all of my life experience, neither has ever solved a single problem. Yet, so many of us are dependent on them to cope with our own feelings of inferiority. They are the coward's weapon. It takes courage to lay them down, especially when others continue to wield theirs.
I take issue with one example you chose to use in your review: You said, "I do not understand wives who put their husbands on the "once a month" program, an action both selfish and cruel and conveniently clueless. It is childish and cowardly behavior, a mockery of the simple vow "to have and to hold.."
Why get married if all you can do is lie and torture? Who told you you could avoid responsibility for your spouse?"
Marriage is not a sexual contract. There are dozens of reasons a woman OR MAN might not be willing or able to perform to their partner's preferred schedule. In my own marriage, my husband and I struggled for years to find a solution to our drastically different sex drives. In our case, I am the one who wishes for more, MUCH MUCH MORE.
He doesn't deny me to be cruel or selfish. He doesn't deny me because we have conflict or because I'm unattractive. And, if I were ever to think he was only doing it because he felt a "responsibility" or an obligation, I would be heartbroken! It's all about biology, as near as I can tell.
Our solution is an Open Marriage. People think we're crazy, but it's worked for 8 of 14 years. I have a difficult time imagining my life without him. As much as I love sex, it's not more important than him ... even when I'm horny and frustrated.
Sure, there are people who use sex to manipulate and control their partners. These are the selfish, cruel, childish and cowardly folks, and they exist as both men and women. However, to assume that women who are not performing as often as their husbands want them to are avoiding responsibility and denying their vows, is a narrow and judgemental perspective. They may have good reasons for their choices. They may NOT BE ABLE to perform sexually. Because we live in such a sexually screwed up society, they might not even be able to talk about it. Feel sad for them, not condemnation.
(I better go back to my own blog and rant by myself a while)
Post a Comment
<< Home