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Status report from the visit home.
1. It is colder that a well diggers ass here in old Harrisburg by the river. Light snow all around, sunny enough day. I spent it indoors, as I was both exhausted by the red eye and jet lagged, and my dad is not exactly in the best of shape. Tomorrow the Fiancee is coming in and we will venture out some, show her the sights of the old sod. Both of them.
2. Dad is much better. He is lucid and sleeping and eating, which is a big improvement from two weeks ago. However, it is clear that something is changed, this last year of medical fiascos have taken their toll, and I do not think he will return to his former self. The decline may take years, but this is the beginning, the very beginning of the end. I am not sure how to process this, I am not even sure how to write this. Another post for another time.
3. Mom lost 35 lbs and looks great, very important because she was way too heavy the last time I saw her and it is not good for her health. She is coping well, but we are going to get the home help care set up to give her regular breaks. Dad is not too crazy about that, but my brother and I have talked and it just has to be. I will deliver the news.
I found my Dad's Drambue. Very nice stuff, he has a great liquor cabinet that never gets used, and impeccable taste in his booze. So here I sit, wide awake at midnight (which is nine pm Maurice body time) sipping Drambue. The perfect setting for a post.
As is always the case, I checked my four favorites on the relationship track, Kathy, Bad Girl, Average Joe, and Kayten. The quadfecta of perspectives, 20's 30's 40's women and a guy about my age that has a lot of parallels to my life.
Tonight, together, they hit me right between the eyes. Fucking Satori.
And I learned a few things about myself.
Yikes!
I identify greatly with Bad Girl, because, fifteen years ago, I was Paul with a Bad Girl of my own. Jackie was 21, I was 30, and any night of our affair could have been a page out of BG's Blog. (hey Bad Girl, should I write that story?). I completely understand her, all the way down to the mix of obsessions, needs, feelings and conflicting emotions, the ache for each other that cannot be denied. Jackie needed to be consumed by me, marked, used engulfed. I needed to engulf her and feel her complete submission, her craving to please me and complete me and in the process, complete herself. Like Bad Girl, she was both young and suprisingly together.
Thinking about that tonight, I realized that I have had a lot of those relationships. Desperate, consuming, engulfing. I attract that to my life, even up to just a few years ago when I had something like that with the wife of the Ex's rehab boyfriend, she had to feel the soreness in her ass, the thrust of a cock in her mouth, the cum on her face. For me, a part of me, it is like a drug, and I needed to have it.
Then I read Kayten's dissertations on Automobiles. Eye opener. Here was a woman plainly spelling it out, I think: she wants the romance, the perfect short story. She wants James Bond to send her a ticket to Goa and meet her at the bar by the terrace at Bauga Beach, white pants, pressed bush shirt, flower in his hand. Kisses and passion and dancing, days motorbiking to the falls. She wants Bogart in Rio, Hemingway in Barcelona. Then gone, and we will always have Paris, maybe a letter one day out of the blue, posted from Mombassa.
I know that guy. He is a very independent character, an adventurer, a poet, a spy. I know men like that, self contained and self reliant, they need only themselves and their passion and the ability to travel light. Kayten talks about him like he is dangerous, but that is not always the case. Some of the men that fit the bill are dangerous, liars and players, users that think only of themselves. But a lot are not, they are honest about their independence. There are women who understand them, and for those women, they are the best. I think that they get into trouble when they and the women they are with try to kid each other into believing that they are something else.
For a long time I wanted to be that guy. Heck, I sent my first airplane ticket to a girl at 19 in college. We had the perfect short story long weekend. I really wanted to be that guy, tried to be that guy. Needed to be that guy, damn it, I want to be fucking Dirk Pitt!!
But I am not.
Don't get me wrong, I have lived the adventure and continue to live the adventure. That is what life is Peter Pan, one grand adventure, and to die maybe the greatest adventure yet. It runs in the family, my brother, the evangelical preacher is climbing Denali this summer, and that at 42.
But an old girlfriend put it best when she pointed out that "you, Maurice, live in relationship. You need to be part of a two. It is your path." For the record, my brother has been happily married for the past 16 years, Himalayas, Zimbawe and all.
I want to sail the Andaman sea, but I need to do it with my wife.
The proof is in the pudding. When I am not attracting the Jackie's of the world what I realize is that I attract women who are ready to settle down, the ones in search of husband and family. This is not to say that the attraction is not legitimate. I think that who we attract and are attracted to depends on where we are at that particular moment. If I pop up on her search engine, I pop up when the criteria is set to "Life mate".
The woman that Kayten is describing, the Ferrari, I do not attract her. She either does not come into my life, or if she does, she is gone pretty soon . The few times that I have, it turns out that she was on a "test run" to see if she was ready for marriage. Conversely, I have had a few that blew me off in Ferrari mode that came back around when it was clear that they were ready for the next step.
Digression. This also explains the Ex, for she was a Jackie on the hunt for a husband. Double witching on that one. The problem there was that I am not sure that "Jackie" mode is sustainable for two people.
I never really got this about myself till tonight, at least not this clearly. I know how do do romance, but I do not know how to do flings, I am not a magician looking for the short story, I am looking for a novel. No good for a girl just looking for a magazine article.
My buddy "Ralph", his wife is finally leaving him after a decade of infidelity on his part. He is bummed for the kids, but tells me that he has had more poontang these past two weeks than he has had in the past year, hard to believe from a guy that has ongoing serial affairs, but you get the point. He is a good guy, but he is a very independent type and is exactly the kind of guy to sweep you off to the beaches of Malaysia, and leave you with Roses, memories, and the smell of great sex in the bed on a tropical morning. He just sucks at marriage, and I think his wife finally figured it out.
I will sweep you off your feet and drink Goan Margaritas ( my invention, I will have you know) on the beach at garuda and fuck you so sweetly that you will see god...but then I want to fly home to our house and feed the dog and talk about what we are doing next Friday, and when is your mother coming.
Ok, two other things. Kathy did a post on a dalliance during girls night out. I have to say, Judge not lest ye be judged, but she touched home on a very primal emotion. The ex dumped me out of the blue sucking some idiot's cock in rehab. Reading it, I felt for a moment how that would feel if, say the fiancee did that with some guy behind my back at a bar, and had a chance to feel what it was like when I found out what the ex had been doing. No question, zen master and all, in that moment I would take every bit of control I have not to break both of their necks. Point being, the emotions involved are very, very powerful.
Final thing, the saga of Average Joe. I have been there, I never want to be there again.
Long post, the point being:
1. I am a relationship guy. I am getting married again because 1. I love fiancee and 2. This is how I choose to live, in relationship with the one I love. Other modes tried and they are proven not to work.
2. Romance is critical. Write a novel, just make sure you write a lot of juicy parts.
3. You are by nature attracted to affair like situations, and they are attracted to you. DO NOT GO THERE. DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON. Not that there are any plans, just good to keep writing notes to self.
4. Print this out, put it in your wallet and read it every day.
1. It is colder that a well diggers ass here in old Harrisburg by the river. Light snow all around, sunny enough day. I spent it indoors, as I was both exhausted by the red eye and jet lagged, and my dad is not exactly in the best of shape. Tomorrow the Fiancee is coming in and we will venture out some, show her the sights of the old sod. Both of them.
2. Dad is much better. He is lucid and sleeping and eating, which is a big improvement from two weeks ago. However, it is clear that something is changed, this last year of medical fiascos have taken their toll, and I do not think he will return to his former self. The decline may take years, but this is the beginning, the very beginning of the end. I am not sure how to process this, I am not even sure how to write this. Another post for another time.
3. Mom lost 35 lbs and looks great, very important because she was way too heavy the last time I saw her and it is not good for her health. She is coping well, but we are going to get the home help care set up to give her regular breaks. Dad is not too crazy about that, but my brother and I have talked and it just has to be. I will deliver the news.
I found my Dad's Drambue. Very nice stuff, he has a great liquor cabinet that never gets used, and impeccable taste in his booze. So here I sit, wide awake at midnight (which is nine pm Maurice body time) sipping Drambue. The perfect setting for a post.
As is always the case, I checked my four favorites on the relationship track, Kathy, Bad Girl, Average Joe, and Kayten. The quadfecta of perspectives, 20's 30's 40's women and a guy about my age that has a lot of parallels to my life.
Tonight, together, they hit me right between the eyes. Fucking Satori.
And I learned a few things about myself.
Yikes!
I identify greatly with Bad Girl, because, fifteen years ago, I was Paul with a Bad Girl of my own. Jackie was 21, I was 30, and any night of our affair could have been a page out of BG's Blog. (hey Bad Girl, should I write that story?). I completely understand her, all the way down to the mix of obsessions, needs, feelings and conflicting emotions, the ache for each other that cannot be denied. Jackie needed to be consumed by me, marked, used engulfed. I needed to engulf her and feel her complete submission, her craving to please me and complete me and in the process, complete herself. Like Bad Girl, she was both young and suprisingly together.
Thinking about that tonight, I realized that I have had a lot of those relationships. Desperate, consuming, engulfing. I attract that to my life, even up to just a few years ago when I had something like that with the wife of the Ex's rehab boyfriend, she had to feel the soreness in her ass, the thrust of a cock in her mouth, the cum on her face. For me, a part of me, it is like a drug, and I needed to have it.
Then I read Kayten's dissertations on Automobiles. Eye opener. Here was a woman plainly spelling it out, I think: she wants the romance, the perfect short story. She wants James Bond to send her a ticket to Goa and meet her at the bar by the terrace at Bauga Beach, white pants, pressed bush shirt, flower in his hand. Kisses and passion and dancing, days motorbiking to the falls. She wants Bogart in Rio, Hemingway in Barcelona. Then gone, and we will always have Paris, maybe a letter one day out of the blue, posted from Mombassa.
I know that guy. He is a very independent character, an adventurer, a poet, a spy. I know men like that, self contained and self reliant, they need only themselves and their passion and the ability to travel light. Kayten talks about him like he is dangerous, but that is not always the case. Some of the men that fit the bill are dangerous, liars and players, users that think only of themselves. But a lot are not, they are honest about their independence. There are women who understand them, and for those women, they are the best. I think that they get into trouble when they and the women they are with try to kid each other into believing that they are something else.
For a long time I wanted to be that guy. Heck, I sent my first airplane ticket to a girl at 19 in college. We had the perfect short story long weekend. I really wanted to be that guy, tried to be that guy. Needed to be that guy, damn it, I want to be fucking Dirk Pitt!!
But I am not.
Don't get me wrong, I have lived the adventure and continue to live the adventure. That is what life is Peter Pan, one grand adventure, and to die maybe the greatest adventure yet. It runs in the family, my brother, the evangelical preacher is climbing Denali this summer, and that at 42.
But an old girlfriend put it best when she pointed out that "you, Maurice, live in relationship. You need to be part of a two. It is your path." For the record, my brother has been happily married for the past 16 years, Himalayas, Zimbawe and all.
I want to sail the Andaman sea, but I need to do it with my wife.
The proof is in the pudding. When I am not attracting the Jackie's of the world what I realize is that I attract women who are ready to settle down, the ones in search of husband and family. This is not to say that the attraction is not legitimate. I think that who we attract and are attracted to depends on where we are at that particular moment. If I pop up on her search engine, I pop up when the criteria is set to "Life mate".
The woman that Kayten is describing, the Ferrari, I do not attract her. She either does not come into my life, or if she does, she is gone pretty soon . The few times that I have, it turns out that she was on a "test run" to see if she was ready for marriage. Conversely, I have had a few that blew me off in Ferrari mode that came back around when it was clear that they were ready for the next step.
Digression. This also explains the Ex, for she was a Jackie on the hunt for a husband. Double witching on that one. The problem there was that I am not sure that "Jackie" mode is sustainable for two people.
I never really got this about myself till tonight, at least not this clearly. I know how do do romance, but I do not know how to do flings, I am not a magician looking for the short story, I am looking for a novel. No good for a girl just looking for a magazine article.
My buddy "Ralph", his wife is finally leaving him after a decade of infidelity on his part. He is bummed for the kids, but tells me that he has had more poontang these past two weeks than he has had in the past year, hard to believe from a guy that has ongoing serial affairs, but you get the point. He is a good guy, but he is a very independent type and is exactly the kind of guy to sweep you off to the beaches of Malaysia, and leave you with Roses, memories, and the smell of great sex in the bed on a tropical morning. He just sucks at marriage, and I think his wife finally figured it out.
I will sweep you off your feet and drink Goan Margaritas ( my invention, I will have you know) on the beach at garuda and fuck you so sweetly that you will see god...but then I want to fly home to our house and feed the dog and talk about what we are doing next Friday, and when is your mother coming.
Ok, two other things. Kathy did a post on a dalliance during girls night out. I have to say, Judge not lest ye be judged, but she touched home on a very primal emotion. The ex dumped me out of the blue sucking some idiot's cock in rehab. Reading it, I felt for a moment how that would feel if, say the fiancee did that with some guy behind my back at a bar, and had a chance to feel what it was like when I found out what the ex had been doing. No question, zen master and all, in that moment I would take every bit of control I have not to break both of their necks. Point being, the emotions involved are very, very powerful.
Final thing, the saga of Average Joe. I have been there, I never want to be there again.
Long post, the point being:
1. I am a relationship guy. I am getting married again because 1. I love fiancee and 2. This is how I choose to live, in relationship with the one I love. Other modes tried and they are proven not to work.
2. Romance is critical. Write a novel, just make sure you write a lot of juicy parts.
3. You are by nature attracted to affair like situations, and they are attracted to you. DO NOT GO THERE. DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON. Not that there are any plans, just good to keep writing notes to self.
4. Print this out, put it in your wallet and read it every day.
posted by Maurice_Basilius at 8:41 PM
4 Comments:
Wow, as always, Maurice. You remind me why we blog instead of keep private journals. Thanks for packaging my own thoughts up so neatly and prettily, and handing them back to me as a gift.
That was worth staying up until 2:30 AM. But I think I'm calling it a night after one last post that jumps up and down and waves its hands into your direction.
Enjoy H-burg. I know whereof you speak.
You are very welcome, Kayten.
Well, I am with Kayten on this one. . .
At the moment, I have no other comments. . .I'll take those offline. . .Thanks Maurice.
Damn!
You are a perceptive man, Maurice. I think I must print out the rules and make them my personal mantra.
Thanks, Brutha!!!
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