Love and Marriage
Anybody remember that song?
Boy, our music dates us, like nothing else.
Today my thoughts stray from the geopolitical back to the cohabitational. Partly you have the Decameron to thank, partly my upcoming nuptials. This has been a pretty busy period in the marriage zone this past twelve months. I have been to seven weddings of friends and family and was invited to some five more by coworkers. This month alone, the Newsoms in San Francisco and the Pitts, who need no explanation, called it quits. Even my ex is moving in with her new boyfriend.
To top it off, after several days immersed in military theory and strategic argument, not to mention my every day job and an ongoing struggle to learn Hindi, for diversion I wandered off into the rich field of Sex Blogs. The sheer number alone is astonishing, not to mention the variety and complexity available to the casual reader. Entertaining, diverting and instructive, you can learn a lot. For one thing, I never knew how many people masturbated at work at their desk, or in their office, or even in the work bathroom.
Heck, I thought all those sounds were the result of bad stomach cramps.
I will tell you this, I will never again look at ladies heading to the restroom in the same way.
What struck me in the middle of reading all these stories was how many of them were chronicles of an affair, or series of affairs. Women who were no longer being satisfied by their husbands, husbands that were on the once a month plan with their wives. Even one delightfully nasty but ultimately heartbreaking chronicle of a 23 year old girl ( she is young enough to be my daughter) in an addictive relationship with an older married man.
This hits home for me, for you see, my upcoming wedding will be my third, and just about everything I have read in these Chronicles of Nuttbustia I have lived. The run up to my first marriage was a chapter out of Penthouse Forum, but once the ring was on her finger, it was more like "Modern Chastity" for born again virgins. I know what the once a month plan feels like, and it was intolerable.
That led to the incredibly delicious hot fling with the 21 year old body to die for secretary downstairs. She was a dream, young, brunette, blue eyes, legs that went on forever under a skirt that was always too short, and a come hither look that could make the Dali Lama hard. Lots of intense, explosive hot wet sex followed by a miserable ending and broken marriage number 1.
The first inter marriage period was a bachelor's paradise, hot and cold running women in every way imaginable, with the lady who was to be marriage number 2 topping the list. Everything I have read, every position, every orifice, all the dirty talk and rough stuff and sweet stuff got done till it was done right. Then we got married. Then it got ugly. Never went to the once a month plan again, but all kinds of problems cropped up (it did not help that she turned out to be a pill and booze addict). That time I was committed, having learned the hard way from my first experience with an affair, so there was no way I was going to give up on that one, or do anything that damaged our marriage.
So she did us the favor and went out and had an affair. Actually did it from the inside of rehab, but that is a different story. Me, I was by then 11 years older and happily lost my mind, or at least my perspective.
The second inter marriage period was not quite the same wild ride. For starters, I wasn't in the mood to be the lounge lizard again. It isn't the same anymore, just fucking your way thru life. Don't get me wrong, blow jobs are great, but after a life time of them, well, what is just one more from one more random woman? What I wanted was connection, love, companionship, and that was in much shorter supply than sex. Also, it was a dignity thing. There is a certain level of bullshit that attends human mating rituals that all have to sign up for if we intend to be successful. Needless to say, what I thought of as charming and cute twelve years ago felt forced and ridiculous, I almost wanted to ask a few dates " are you kidding me"? Hey, try Match.com and read the "about me" sometime. You could fertilize all of India with that load.
That and I no longer have it in me to casually hurt people just so I can squirt a load. I am done using anyone, for any reason.
For the record, I tried. I really tried. Went on dates with women 29 and 32 and 41 and 47 and everything inbetween; went to balls, marched around the Marina, went to the wine country. I met a lot of nice people, and I have to say that this time more than any other time in my life I have been able to keep good friendships with women that are former lovers.
But I also found that in the 21st century it is easier to interest a woman in anal sex than interest her in trying to make a go of a relationship ( although up to this point you could make an argument that I am much more successful at anal sex with a woman than sustaining a relationship with one). It was disheartening, a series of attempts and failures that were unfamiliar, and the growing realization that it was not the same as 10 or 20 years ago.
I also have to say, that I think that women my age can make the same statement. This is not a rant on the women out there, I know that this time around I was just as damaged. I also have to say that I was devastated for a long time by my second wife's departure, for nut case or not, I loved her dearly. So I think it is fair to say, that a year ago I was at a point where I had tried every aspect of the gender war available, and had come to the conclusion that for me, it was not meant to be.
After all, there was still whisky, cigars and hookers.
What I think happened, was that sometime over the previous three years I had healed from some old wounds that perhaps were part cause of this torrid saga. In doing so I came to a wiser place, and a sadder place, but a calmer place. It wasn't great, but it was ok. I started making plans as if the next 40 years were going to be just me and my kids. The WCH plan, so I called it.
Then I met her.
Across a room, one December night, at at party. Tall, brunette, beautiful face, I was guessing 28 (she turned out to be older). No way I said, I won't get to first base.
Well, long story short, way. Way in a very Big Way, and in the spring, for the third and last time, I will walk down the isle and make my vows with the one I love, and take a risk on that thing we call...
Life.
But what gives me pause is the though that if we are not carefull, in seven years she could be writing one of those affair blogs, bemoaning what was lost in our marriage and singing the praises of some other guys cock.
Ugh.
So what do you do. Ok, here comes the advise part, for me and for the rest of you.
1. Remember every day that this is the person you love, you can choose to see them as a gift or a burden. Try seeing them as a gift.
2. You and they will change and grow. If you spend time with each other, talking, living , communicating, sharing, working, you stand a pretty good chance of growing together.
3. If you ossify into defined roles and stop having the hard conversations because they are hard, you will grow apart. So don't do that. DON"T DO THAT!!
4. You are not there to be a care taker, that is co-dependance. But you must care for each other, and take care of their needs. Sex is a big need, and by definition, it is the one need that is NOT supposed to be met by other people.
5. That means you have to make sure that your needs and your spouses needs are met. That means that both of you have to ask for what you want, and each of you has to be open to giving to the other person.
Case in point: She has not even suggested interest, but at some point you could imagine my fiancee' showing up with a strap on and a request. Now that sounds a bit scary, but you know, I know now that I need to be open to things...hey for all I know it may be fun. The wrong answer is "hell no!"
6. And most of all, keep a sense of humor. Banish resentment, it does no good at all.
Ok, well there are my thoughts on relationship, at least for today. Tomorrow, Allah willing, I will once again enter the realm of reasoned discourse on the events of the day.
Boy, our music dates us, like nothing else.
Today my thoughts stray from the geopolitical back to the cohabitational. Partly you have the Decameron to thank, partly my upcoming nuptials. This has been a pretty busy period in the marriage zone this past twelve months. I have been to seven weddings of friends and family and was invited to some five more by coworkers. This month alone, the Newsoms in San Francisco and the Pitts, who need no explanation, called it quits. Even my ex is moving in with her new boyfriend.
To top it off, after several days immersed in military theory and strategic argument, not to mention my every day job and an ongoing struggle to learn Hindi, for diversion I wandered off into the rich field of Sex Blogs. The sheer number alone is astonishing, not to mention the variety and complexity available to the casual reader. Entertaining, diverting and instructive, you can learn a lot. For one thing, I never knew how many people masturbated at work at their desk, or in their office, or even in the work bathroom.
Heck, I thought all those sounds were the result of bad stomach cramps.
I will tell you this, I will never again look at ladies heading to the restroom in the same way.
What struck me in the middle of reading all these stories was how many of them were chronicles of an affair, or series of affairs. Women who were no longer being satisfied by their husbands, husbands that were on the once a month plan with their wives. Even one delightfully nasty but ultimately heartbreaking chronicle of a 23 year old girl ( she is young enough to be my daughter) in an addictive relationship with an older married man.
This hits home for me, for you see, my upcoming wedding will be my third, and just about everything I have read in these Chronicles of Nuttbustia I have lived. The run up to my first marriage was a chapter out of Penthouse Forum, but once the ring was on her finger, it was more like "Modern Chastity" for born again virgins. I know what the once a month plan feels like, and it was intolerable.
That led to the incredibly delicious hot fling with the 21 year old body to die for secretary downstairs. She was a dream, young, brunette, blue eyes, legs that went on forever under a skirt that was always too short, and a come hither look that could make the Dali Lama hard. Lots of intense, explosive hot wet sex followed by a miserable ending and broken marriage number 1.
The first inter marriage period was a bachelor's paradise, hot and cold running women in every way imaginable, with the lady who was to be marriage number 2 topping the list. Everything I have read, every position, every orifice, all the dirty talk and rough stuff and sweet stuff got done till it was done right. Then we got married. Then it got ugly. Never went to the once a month plan again, but all kinds of problems cropped up (it did not help that she turned out to be a pill and booze addict). That time I was committed, having learned the hard way from my first experience with an affair, so there was no way I was going to give up on that one, or do anything that damaged our marriage.
So she did us the favor and went out and had an affair. Actually did it from the inside of rehab, but that is a different story. Me, I was by then 11 years older and happily lost my mind, or at least my perspective.
The second inter marriage period was not quite the same wild ride. For starters, I wasn't in the mood to be the lounge lizard again. It isn't the same anymore, just fucking your way thru life. Don't get me wrong, blow jobs are great, but after a life time of them, well, what is just one more from one more random woman? What I wanted was connection, love, companionship, and that was in much shorter supply than sex. Also, it was a dignity thing. There is a certain level of bullshit that attends human mating rituals that all have to sign up for if we intend to be successful. Needless to say, what I thought of as charming and cute twelve years ago felt forced and ridiculous, I almost wanted to ask a few dates " are you kidding me"? Hey, try Match.com and read the "about me" sometime. You could fertilize all of India with that load.
That and I no longer have it in me to casually hurt people just so I can squirt a load. I am done using anyone, for any reason.
For the record, I tried. I really tried. Went on dates with women 29 and 32 and 41 and 47 and everything inbetween; went to balls, marched around the Marina, went to the wine country. I met a lot of nice people, and I have to say that this time more than any other time in my life I have been able to keep good friendships with women that are former lovers.
But I also found that in the 21st century it is easier to interest a woman in anal sex than interest her in trying to make a go of a relationship ( although up to this point you could make an argument that I am much more successful at anal sex with a woman than sustaining a relationship with one). It was disheartening, a series of attempts and failures that were unfamiliar, and the growing realization that it was not the same as 10 or 20 years ago.
I also have to say, that I think that women my age can make the same statement. This is not a rant on the women out there, I know that this time around I was just as damaged. I also have to say that I was devastated for a long time by my second wife's departure, for nut case or not, I loved her dearly. So I think it is fair to say, that a year ago I was at a point where I had tried every aspect of the gender war available, and had come to the conclusion that for me, it was not meant to be.
After all, there was still whisky, cigars and hookers.
What I think happened, was that sometime over the previous three years I had healed from some old wounds that perhaps were part cause of this torrid saga. In doing so I came to a wiser place, and a sadder place, but a calmer place. It wasn't great, but it was ok. I started making plans as if the next 40 years were going to be just me and my kids. The WCH plan, so I called it.
Then I met her.
Across a room, one December night, at at party. Tall, brunette, beautiful face, I was guessing 28 (she turned out to be older). No way I said, I won't get to first base.
Well, long story short, way. Way in a very Big Way, and in the spring, for the third and last time, I will walk down the isle and make my vows with the one I love, and take a risk on that thing we call...
Life.
But what gives me pause is the though that if we are not carefull, in seven years she could be writing one of those affair blogs, bemoaning what was lost in our marriage and singing the praises of some other guys cock.
Ugh.
So what do you do. Ok, here comes the advise part, for me and for the rest of you.
1. Remember every day that this is the person you love, you can choose to see them as a gift or a burden. Try seeing them as a gift.
2. You and they will change and grow. If you spend time with each other, talking, living , communicating, sharing, working, you stand a pretty good chance of growing together.
3. If you ossify into defined roles and stop having the hard conversations because they are hard, you will grow apart. So don't do that. DON"T DO THAT!!
4. You are not there to be a care taker, that is co-dependance. But you must care for each other, and take care of their needs. Sex is a big need, and by definition, it is the one need that is NOT supposed to be met by other people.
5. That means you have to make sure that your needs and your spouses needs are met. That means that both of you have to ask for what you want, and each of you has to be open to giving to the other person.
Case in point: She has not even suggested interest, but at some point you could imagine my fiancee' showing up with a strap on and a request. Now that sounds a bit scary, but you know, I know now that I need to be open to things...hey for all I know it may be fun. The wrong answer is "hell no!"
6. And most of all, keep a sense of humor. Banish resentment, it does no good at all.
Ok, well there are my thoughts on relationship, at least for today. Tomorrow, Allah willing, I will once again enter the realm of reasoned discourse on the events of the day.
posted by Maurice_Basilius at 5:18 PM
4 Comments:
That's a beautiful post. A nice retrospective and a nice introduction. It gives me a bit of hope for the future, even though I realize there's a lot of bullshit yet to wade through in order to get to a happily ever after. BTW I'd also be curious to have a link to the 23YO's blog you mentioned.
Here it is
http://bloggingmysins.blogspot.com/
The Diary of an Affair, she seems like a nice gal trying to figure it out.
And thanks for the comment, I will post the link on your blog as well.
When I think about how things have played out, I am reminded of that country western song "..God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you". Here's knowing your broken road will lead you true.
MB
Thank you-That was a well written and insightful entry.
I've read a bit of your blog. I've been having an affair for nearly two years now. I've a ten year old daughter, a five year old son, and a husband who would cut off his wanking hand for me. I'm afraid to leave, and afraid that this pretending will go on forever.
I read alot of your blog, and I wish I could be as brave and fair as you.
pubcrwlr35@aol.com
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