Swing Dancing

The best New Year's eve to date was with the ex some nine years ago at the San Francisco Symphony New Year's Eve Concert. They do a great gig, for one price, you get a performance, in that case it was Wagner's music, "A Night in Old Vienna". After the performance, they make Davis Hall over into a Party Zone, plenty of food and enough alcohol to float an aircraft carrier.

The Symphony has a group of musicians that form up a Big Band, all Glenn Miller and the Andrew's Sisters and every one dances the night away to the tunes of the 30's and 40's, Swing, Foxtrot the works. At midnight they drop balloons. The ex finished the night in her little black dress with a big balloon doing the bubble dance, and a good time was had by all.

She was a lot of fun. Nutty as a fruit cake, but fun.

The fiancee, for the record is also a lot of fun. Just not pathologically self destructive.

I love to dance, and the Fiancee and I are pretty damn good together.

I love Swing Dancing.

And so...

A good friend of mine confided in me tonight that he and his wife are swingers. Funny, I have know them for three years and never guessed. The first time Fiancee met them, she pegged it cold. So much for my Holmes like powers of observation.

In my last job, my engineering manager also confided in me that she and her husband were in the Scene. Actually, they were in the BSDM scene and the swinging scene. Reports were that work parties at her house were quite a scene. I was never invited, for good reason. She and I loved working together, and she and her husband and my ex and I double dated a couple of times, but there are some practical limits on sex and employer/employee that need to be maintained. I am very cognizant of that reality and keep very strict boundaries where work and fumblididdles are concerned.

Of course, her husband was hoping beyond hope that the line would be crossed. The ex is a looker, no doubt, and a firecracker when inspired. But Engineering Manager and I had too much respect for our friendship and working relationship to ever let that happen.

Still, it made for interesting happy hour conversation.

Kayten made a request tonight for stories of people with hot sex that are in love and together in a licit (as opposed to illicit? does licit really exist as a word? It should, by George!). I do not feel the need to go into details, but Kayten, if you are reading, the Fiancee and I have serious hot times, and we have only just started exploring things. Valentine's day presents by agreement will be flowers, cards and kinky sex toys (Chocolate would also be on the list, but we are on the wedding dress diet!). I tend to make my intentions clear, and she has on occasion declared a go home from work early day to make sure that intentions get, well, intentional.

Back to the meet of the matter (or the moot). Swinging. Swapping. Group fumblididdles. Making the three backed or four backed beast with you, your spouse and two or more of your favorite people not married to you. This is territory that I have never trod. The closest I ever got was when I was 15 and a buddy and I made a grope and kissing sandwitch with a girl in our church confirmation group. It has always seemed to me to be fraught with perils and problems, a great way for a sticky situation to get sticky. Also, the likely canidate for this in my life to date was the ex, but she had a very strange slut/shame/prude relationship with her sexuality.

(Actually, when we were living together, before marriage, the cute 32 year old gal next door was dumped hard by her boyfriend, and she was in a dry spell for a while. The Ex one day started pushing me in a strange way, telling me that she felt sorry for the neighbor and that I should go over there and take care of her. It was one of many "Huh" moments I had with her. Never happened).

Disclaimer, I am not currently in the market for a swinging relationship. Quite happy with what I have found, have plenty to keep me busy for a long time. Not exactly sure if this mid 40's guy can keep up with mid 30's, so far so good, but lets not queer the deal, shall we.

But it does strike me, that for all our sideways looks at this lifestyle, the people involved have seemed to hit on a very practical solution to the 7, 10, and 20 year itch, the one that feels like " I love my spouse/family/life but if I do not power fuck someone random this instant I will just go CRAZY!" Kayten in a blog stated that she worried that she might never find someone who loves her and satisfies her kinky wild side. Now I think she will, seems like just too great a catch for some 30 something guy looking for life, kink and family.

But you have to ask the question, why does she have to choose?

Maybe we would all be better served if our ethics around swinging and sharing were a bit looser, if more of us found it ok to have our friends and eat them too. It means having a lighter touch and a bit more tolerance for different people, a willingness to be open to experiences. It also seems to me that it requires a great deal more real intimacy in the couple, serious honesty and compassion and a sense of shared fun. There are risks, but it seems to me to have a lot of advantages over affairs.

For one, it is honest. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing. Second it is fair, you get, she gets. No one feels gyped. Third, it is participative, no one feels left out or unwanted. (This from my conversations with people who do this sort of thing, like I said, I have yet to partake). Seems a lot better than sneaking around, stressed out, having your wife get the text message you sent to your lover. ( Just happened to a friend of mine, OUCH! ).

Seems better to me than being the one who gets that text message.

Now, we are not going to solve all marital problems with a healthy dose of group sex. For example, the ex and I could have done the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad in concert with the offensive front line and still would have been doomed. But for all those people out there who feel that family love and connection with the home front, but feel the need for something else for the midsection..well it might just work.

I have one fantasy that has yet to be realized. True confessions, I really want to do a woman from behind that is straddling another woman's face, her licking both of us as I pound away to screeching exploding orgasms. So what did I do? Well, told the fiancee about this one. Not something that has to happen now, or even ever. If I have to choose between her and fantasy, she wins hands down.

Her response was, " well, some day, I would be open to that."

There is power in honesty and asking for what you want. You feel clear, you feel whole.

And some times you just might get what you ask for.

In the meantime, we have a lot of dancing to do.